ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
