is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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