She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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