I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
