What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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