I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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