So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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