I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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