There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
