I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
