I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
