I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
