I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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