Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
