I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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