Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
