I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
