Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
