I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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