Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
