what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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