Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
