U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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