I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
