Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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