Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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