in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
