that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
