you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
