it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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