mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
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He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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