The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
