I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
