I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
