this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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