I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
