So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
