why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
