i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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