I hate your face
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
