We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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