Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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