Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Found the puke drawer
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's shark week go big or go home
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
