i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
