Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
