i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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