chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
