sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
