I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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