I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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