Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
