I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
