They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
