I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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