After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
