Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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