I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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