I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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