Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
