you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
