$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
